This year has been full of so much loss. I lost the person I loved the most, lost people I met along the year that I had fun with and I lost my best friend. I tell myself that it’s all for the best. I tell myself that it will get better soon but at the end of the day I always go to bed and wake up feeling so alone. Alone in the sense where nobody cares about whether or not I’m here or gone. I have perfected the art of being alone. I still get sad of course and struggle but I have perfected it.
I know that I am partially to blame for losing people but it seems that no matter how much I tried to stop it, I just couldn’t. I have failed at that. I am scared that I will never feel that way again. I will never be in love again. I will never feel safe like that again. I’m scared of that. Nobody will fall completely head over heels in love with me again, nobody will make me feel like I’m ok or that I’m worth it.
I look in the mirror and there are times I feel ok. But there are so many times that I just stare and can find all these things wrong with me. I pick out flaws in appearance but I think that in the end they’re actually flaws that I see within myself mentally. I am an average student, I look average and I probably won’t get into medical school.
I tell my sister to respect herself but then I always come back to football and let him disrespect me all over again. It’s a terrible addiction. I preach health but in reality I can’t go anywhere without comparing myself to others physically. I can’t look in a mirror without questioning whether it is accurate or not. I can’t eat something without thinking about how many calories are in it. I can’t not know how much I weigh. The sad thing is that when I found out that William had a new girlfriend, my first thought was am I skinner and prettier than her. That’s sad but I can’t help it. I always think that people are judging me and can notice every pound I gain. My biggest fear is that someone says that I am ugly or have a terrible body. That is sad but I can’t help it. I have struggled with my eating habits, workout habits and self-image for years now and sometimes I feel like I am making progress but on most days I can’t help my thoughts. I feel like I can always be thinner, prettier and smarter and that if I’m happy with myself then I’m just settling.